


Everybody's Fool

by MFLuder



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Constipation, F/M, Hopeful Ending, Pre-Relationship, Season/Series 09
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-11-07 07:54:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17956595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MFLuder/pseuds/MFLuder
Summary: After an inquiry from Agent Barrett, Sam seeks out an exact answer for what she and Jack are doing with their lives.





	Everybody's Fool

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted December 13, 2007, at [my DW](https://mf-luder-xf.dreamwidth.org/151441.html). Written for sj_everyday's Secret Santa exchange on LJ.

Agent Barrett had asked, obviously interested, “So you're single again?”

She'd replied with, “Not exactly.”

But after the resolution of the whole Ba'al-on-Earth debacle, and she'd returned from the Apollo, Sam found she had to re-evaluate that statement. The thing was, she wasn't _really_ seeing anyone.

She had broken it off with Peter because it wasn't fair to make him compete with her feelings for someone else. She couldn't bring herself to date Agent Barrett who was not only genuinely smart, handsome, and hard-working, but doted on her.

Maybe that was the problem. She'd never thought of herself as the kind of woman who liked the unattainable ones, but it was beginning to become a pattern. Pete, Malcolm, even Rodney, for cryin' out loud. She couldn't seem to find herself attracted to any of them even though she knew they might be good for her. Rodney aside. But she couldn't move past Jack. She had to _know_. If she found out for sure...maybe she could force herself to move on. Maybe she could finally take Barrett up on his offer.

From the beginning, she and Jack had an instant chemistry that surpassed mere friendship or even sexual attraction. While it might have been the product of circumstances, it still wasn't something easily found.

Jack's raw grief over his wife and son had only been one of their barriers. Both she and Jack valued their careers, valued their new position as reluctant heroes who set into motion events so much greater than themselves. No relationship could be more important than that. A change could mean the lives of thousands. 

Although, she never even saw him anymore. He'd gone off to perform his military duty—saving the world time and again, with bureaucracy rather than first contact. 

She booked herself on the red-eye to Washington. They were on stand down that week and Cam would cover for her if need be. By the time she reached her destination, it was almost one in the morning. She threw her shoulders back as though it could help and knocked on the door of an apartment she'd never before seen. It took a couple of minutes, but eventually she heard something fall over and a muttered curse behind the door before Jack popped his head out.

“Who the f—? Carter?”

She nodded.

“What the hell are you doing here? God, what time is it?” he asked, blinking blearily at her.

“Nearly oh-one hundred, sir.”

“One in the...seriously. Is there a foothold situation, Colonel?”

“No, sir.”

He looked her up and down and she fought to keep her hands still.

“Get in here, then. I'll grab us a beer.”

He opened the door further and gestured her in. When she didn't move, he waited, a bit impatiently.

Looking straight into his face, she asked, “Why have we never acted on this thing between us, sir?”

Jack sighed and leaned his head against the door frame for a moment. “Guess I'd better find the whiskey.”

He headed into the room, leaving her at the door. This time, she followed.

She listened to the sound of clinking glass as he shuffled through cupboards. By the time she reached him, he'd pulled out two brandy snifters and in each were two shots worth of amber liquid. She'd never been one for hard liquor, but right now, it looked damn tempting.

Sam kept quiet, as did Jack. Twirling the liquid in the glass, she tossed it back, and ended up staring at him through the bottom. He appeared distorted.

“Well, now that that's out of the way, let's have another.”

She knew this like the steps of a complicated dance. She'd broken one of the rules earlier by coming here, by saying what she had. But now that she'd turned it from a waltz to a two-step, she was willing to wait it out. That meant a drink to get over the shock, a drink to steel the nerves, and one more for good measure. But not any more than that or there might be consequences in the morning that couldn't be brushed away.

Sure enough, the second went down slower, though still in silence. She listened to the traffic speed by and realized she rarely heard it any more. She lived in a quiet residential area whenever she wasn't on base. They didn't appear to have developed cars that backfired or rumbling trucks anywhere else in the galaxy. Which was always an inconvenience, but she had often wondered how low their carbon footprints were.

This was insane. She shouldn't have come. She'd known that all along, of course. Now it seemed a particularly stupid idea.

But then Jack poured the third glass for each of them, just a little this time, grabbing two beers and steering her towards the table, hand on her back. His face was shut down, but he could never seem to override those gentlemanly urges he insisted he didn't have.

He opened the beer bottle on the edge of the table and rocked back in his chair, eyeing her. He was adorable with sleep mussed hair and blue-striped pajama bottoms; his Air Force shirt was worn and faded, obviously old, but it looked so cozy. She wanted to run her hands over the material, feel just how soft it was, feel his body beneath it. She imagined touching her nose and lips to the hollow in his throat where the shirt collar sagged the smallest bit.

“Okay, Carter. What's this really about?”

Fiddling with the bottom of her dark blue sweater she ignored him for a moment until he cleared his throat. “Sir, I was thinking and--”

“Always dangerous. Haven't I taught you anything?” He was both joking and not.

“Look, I get that we don't talk about this. But, petty as it sounds, I broke up with Pete because of you. Because he wasn't you. I can't seem to move past it. Since we met, I haven't had a single relationship that wasn't haunted by you. I know you never intended that; it's my own problem, but I just need to know once and for all—are we ever going to happen, Jack?”

“You're obviously serious.” He sighed and looked utterly defeated. Downing about half his beer, he muttered, “Not good before bed...” which almost made her laugh, but not quite. He wanted to make this funny so he didn't have to deal with it. Humor might be Jack's default setting, but it was also his defense mechanism.

“I don't mean to make this some huge deal. We both understand regs. I know you're worried about our careers; I just have to know if there's ever going to be a chance for us. Because I can't keep on like this. You deserve better; _I_ deserve better.”

“It's not that easy. It's more than regulations. It's bigger than both of us.”

He paused, emotions flickering over his face, but none were clear enough to read. Then he set his empty bottle down and reached for her hand resting on the table. She closed her eyes and reveled in the feeling of gun-calloused fingers gliding over her palm, her knuckles. 

“Carter, I can't be what you need. I'll never live up to it, you know that. One day you'll wake up and finally see that I'm not much beyond a quickly aging general who wanted nothing more than to retire nine years ago. I'm nothing special and I'm not smart like you. You've got to see that, now, rather than later. Don't wait for me. I'm not worth it.” 

His hand felt warm and encompassing and she was just so tired of it all. The games, the hidden meanings, the _can't, can't, can't_...

“I've never understood how someone who has saved the galaxy so many times and risked his life for everyone but himself could say he wasn't special,” she whispered. “Don't you understand, I don't care that you won't ever solve the riddle of dark matter? That's never what's mattered for me.”

“I can't. Don't wait. Live your life the way it should be.”

His eyes were soft and sad as he picked up her hand, brushing his lips against her knuckles. It was the most she'd gotten from him in a long time.

They sat in silence for a while longer before he said, “Look, you can stay here for the night. I'll even let you sleep on the bed, ‘k? I'll take the couch. Just...go to bed, Carter.”

She nodded and let him direct her to his room. He set out another worn set of pajamas, apparently noting she hadn't brought any luggage with her. Grateful, she simply smiled and watched him turn to go. It was now two-thirty in the morning and all she wanted was to wake up and forget this ever happened.

Jack had stopped in the middle of the room. He turned back to her now, face awash with something she couldn't name.

“Thing is, for now, I'll fight to keep you safe. That helps everyone. But once I have you, I won't fight for anyone but you. I've already lost my wife and son. I won't lose you, too. Which is why we can't. It's selfish, yes. And not fair to you, but I can't do it any other way. I know it doesn't make sense, but that's how it's gotta be.”

She wrapped her arms around herself and once she could find her voice quietly said, “I understand, Jack. I do.” Even though it hurt, it was both logical and reassuring.

“I don't think you do.” He stepped in closer until his hands framed her face, tenderly brushing her hair back, tracing her cheekbones, her lips. “I—”

She leaned forward then, just grabbed his shoulders and kissed him. It was perfect. Nothing like she'd imagined, but perfect nonetheless. He tried to pull away, but she wouldn't let him. She intended to pull him closer, but instead they tripped and ended up sprawled back onto his bed so that she was holding them up with one hand as he half stood between her legs. She refused to let go and just kept kissing because if it was all she was ever going to get, she'd better enjoy it.

It left them gasping and they broke for air, but she didn't release her hold. In response he slid one hand just under the hem of her sweater, moving it around to rest on her lower back. It sent trembles through her and she arched into the touch.

And that was what broke the spell. He pushed away, standing up as straight as though the president were in the room and ran his hands through his hair. 

“No. I can't let it happen. I can't allow myself to trade you for an entire galaxy. I swear, Sam, I love you, but I can't do that.”

A moment after his admission, a look of terror lit upon his face and he stepped out of the room so fast, she was half ready to burst out laughing.

She quickly changed and climbed beneath the covers, soaking up Jack's scent like a fifteen-year-old girl, but it was comforting and intoxicating. Now she knew.

The next morning, Sam woke to a thermos of coffee on the nightstand, two aspirin 'just in case', a one-way ticket back to Colorado, and a note that read: _I'm sorry_. It made her smile. She knew what he was sorry about and she understood more now in the light of a mundane day in Washington than at any other time in this crazy adventure they'd been on for nine years.

She'd wait as long as she had to. A lifetime, even.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow and chat with me [on tumblr](http://mf-luder-xf.tumblr.com)!


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